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Goose Kitchens

Once, when Andy and I were newly married, we were Christmas shopping for his mom, and I asked what type of gift he had in mind, and he said, “I don’t know, something with apples on it, she loves apples.”

But like, did she love apples? 

They moved into a beautiful new home when Andy was a senior in high school, and the large kitchen was decorated with apple themed wallpaper border, and from that moment on, every gift that woman recieved had an apple on it. 

We did the same thing to my mom, and her rooster kitchen. Is the traditional 30 year wedding gift a resin rooster butter dish, because according to the old timey gift shop inside Cracker Barrel it is.

When I purchased my grandparents home late last year, it took months of sorting and pruging through decades of stuff before we could even move in. Did you know you can have a dumpster in your driveway for 7 months, because my poor neighbors did.

One afternoon Andy met me at the house after work, and he found me on floor of the kitchen, surrounded by stacks and stacks of blue and white goose plates, yellow aged and stained goose embroidered towels, and chipped glass salt & pepper shaker geese. 

My eyes welled up, and all I could say was, “what the hell did we do to this woman?”

In my whole entire life, I never once heard my oma share with me a love for geese. Watching Hello Dolly and hiding her pack of long fancy cigarettes under the cushion of the couch, yes, but a goose, never. 

And geese are the worst of all the birds. They are mean and they shit everywhere, they are not kitchen icon material. 

One day my grandma probably pointed at a pillow with a goose on it in a shop somehwere, and was like, “idk that’s kinda cute I guess,” and everyone around her made it her whole personality.

Maybe this happens because it’s easier to buy goose towels and apple placemats and rooster egg timers, than it is to actually talk to the women in our lives, and find out what the hell actually brings them joy, or worse yet, find out that maybe that joy is complicated, hard to find, or missing entirely. 

It’s 1994 and we’re there buying my grandma bird napkin rings, while she’s at home wondering why no one asks her to play the piano anymore. 

“Please don’t rooster kitchen me, Andy.” I say to him every gift-giving holiday. 

I know that I am insanely hard to shop for because I spend the whole year buying myself whatever the hell I want like a racoon with a debit card, but the thought of my legacy in this family being reduced to a Kirkland’s kitchen theme kills me. 

In fact, I encourage all our daughters to remain complicated and complex, yet unapologetically annoying, you know, to really weed out the haters. To walk around like unsolvable rubix cubes, making the people that love them have to dig a little deeper than wallpaper boarder to really figure them out. 

I get online and I worry we’re raising a whole new generation of roosters tea towels because we make it so incredibly difficult for people to like things out loud? They share excitement and joy, and there we are shitting on it as too basic, too materialistic, too saturated or annoying. 

(see: Stanley cups, the whole entire Barbie movie and ensuing quotes, Eras tour photos, glimpses of Tayor at Chiefs games, etc.)

So instead we’re bullying all these women to just shut up into themselves, so they can open your low hanging fruit of a gift, and smile as if you know exactly who they are, and you can feel good about the minimal effort you put into shopping, as well as the lord’s work you’re doing online making people feel frivilous and stupid. They call that a twofer. 

“Thank you for this apple inspired Live, Laugh, Love sign, it’s exactly what I wanted. I cannot wait to hang it above the sink.”



Monday 8th of January 2024

A. Please keep blogging, I have missed you so much. B. I actually DO love cheesy quote signs and make no apologies for it. C. YASSSSS. Let people love what they love! If pumpkin spice lattes bring you joy--OWN IT. I admittedly roll my eyes a bit at the Taylor Swift mania, but if that brings you joy, I love that for you!


Monday 8th of January 2024

My poor husband received a beer-bottle shaped tin full of poker chips from our boys for Xmas this year. He does not drink beer and also doesn't play poker. I received a build-it-yourself blanket kit (they thought it was an actual blanket) with a cowboy boot on it, because they were like "well, I think mom has some boots." Basically they went into JoAnn's because it was the only place in the mall with easy parking and bought the first things they saw. I died laughing but I could absolutely see this becoming a thing. My mother in law has an entire collection of Precious Moments figurines and I guarantee they were the annual kid gift because she thought one was cute one time.

Tracey I.

Monday 8th of January 2024

I'm so happy to see that you are blogging. I totally relate to your sense of humor! You get me. I made the mistake of telling people I like owls. I had to literally tell them to stop buying me owl stuff. I also have an October birthday and as much as I love the fall, and I absolutely love the fall, I do not have enough room in my house for the countless pumpkin tchotchkes I've received for my birthday for the past 30 years. Also, I'm guilty of rooster kitchening my mother-in-law and now I feel bad.


Monday 8th of January 2024



Monday 8th of January 2024

I loved reading this because it’s sooo true! I wanted to get my fiancés grandma something other than plants and puzzles that’s what she gets from everyone every year…. Little did I know my fiance was doing the same to me 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️ I bought a new bronco a few months ago! I love my new car…. My Christmas was bronco themed…. One of the gifts cup holder liners for my bronco 🤣🤦🏼‍♀️ don’t get me wrong my fiance is the sweetest and I’m very appreciative of my gifts but it just made me laugh.

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